Book of Mormonisms

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Archive for August, 2012

LDS Introduces New Temple Ordinance

Posted by skiutah on Tuesday, August 21, 2012

In wake of all of the new planet discoveries by the Kepler space telescope, Kepler Planet Names, Mormon leaders are introducing a new temple ceremony that allows men to be pre-sealed to their afterlife worlds. When asked about the ceremony details, church officials declined comment.

However a quick Google search revealed that LDS planet pre-sealings begin with members receiving a secret planet name, only you will know your secret planet name (no speculation on whether everybody will receive the same planet name on the same day). In the afterlife, your planet will contact you via your special temple name, and you must respond with the secret planet name in order to initiate transport through the cosmic veil. Once on your Earth, you call in wives that have been sealed to you and begin procreating billions and billions of times.

A general authority stated off the record “as we understand it, you don’t have to institute Mormon style religion on your own planet. You don’t have to follow Heavenly Father’s current model of put children on the planet, leave kids in the dark for 100,000 years, decide kids need religion, send a holy book, watch kids reject it, wait a couple thousand years, reintroduce religion with your half human son taking responsibility for all mistakes, have him killed, watch the kids reject religion again, wait a couple of thousand years, reintroduce the true religion, this time demand polygamy be practiced without the aid of alcohol.”

One of the senior brethren wryly noted “and to think people laughed at Brigham Young, said he was high on Kolob Kool-Aid, when he proclaimed all celestial kingdom level Mormon white males would receive their own planet stocked with wives.”

Note NASA originally felt violated when they learned that Kepler found worlds were being sealed to Mormons for use in the afterlife. However NASA officials are now waiting to see if Mitt Romney is elected president, at which time they would welcome President Romney being sealed to his own Kepler discovered planet. NASA officials were saddened when learning that they would not be allowed to attend such a ceremony, but happy that they would be permitted to wait outside.

Posted in LDS, mormon, religion, science | 1 Comment »