Book of Mormonisms

Did they really say THAT?

Archive for May, 2011

God Makes a Mistake with Dogs

Posted by skiutah on Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Mission Journal Entry: Nov 11, 1982
Sandy Cumberpatch came to our flat, sobbing, in tears, saying her dog was deathly ill. She knew we had the power of the priesthood and asked me and Elder CoventryRM and the other Elders if we’d give her dog, Rocky, a blessing. At first, we thought it was a joke, we were howling with laughter, so to speak. Can you imagine anointing the pooch’s head with oil and starting the blessing “Rocky K9 Cumberpatch, bow-wow, having the authority of the Melchizedek priesthood, we command thee to sit and get better…” However, Sandy loved her dog and truly believed the Mormon Elders had the extra power to ask God to intervene. So we decided to form a circle around the dog and get God’s help through prayer.

Follow up:
Sadly, the dog died shortly thereafter.

We later pondered “why would God create an animal such as a dog, and only give it a 10 year lifespan?” Dogs are the ultimate companion animals, possessing almost supernatural abilities to detect and interpret human emotions. Dogs and humans have a symbiotic relationship; truly an interdependent friendship. We concluded that God had made a big mistake with dogs; he gave these canine soul mates way too short of a lifespan. In this case, God had literally screwed the pooch.

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Posted in cults, LDS, mormon, Oil, religion | 2 Comments »

This is where we shall go tracting today Elder SkiUtah

Posted by coventryrm on Saturday, May 28, 2011

Hello I am Elder CoventryRm ….. the perfect little Morbot starting out my day as a missionary in the England Coventry Mission sometime in the early 80’s …notice I even have my little white bible “book of rules” in my shirt  pocket.

Posted in christianity, LDS, mormon, religion | 2 Comments »

If I get prostrate cancer should I be able to sue the LDS church?

Posted by coventryrm on Thursday, May 19, 2011

Recent studies have clearly shown that men who drink coffee have much lower incident of prostrate cancer, being raised Mormon I didn’t start drinking coffee until I left the faith at age 35.   It is also known that having  a regular ejaculation is also beneficial in the reduction of prostrate cancer risk.   As a Mormon premarital sex and maturbation is strictly prohibited… double whammy for those faithfull LDS men following the doctrines of thier church.  No wonder Utah has a much higher rate of prostate cancer. 

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Which Non-prophet Religion does God Reward with Wealth?

Posted by skiutah on Thursday, May 19, 2011

Here’s an interesting article in the New York Times: Is Your Religion Your Financial Destiny?

This is from a Pew survey done in the U.S. It shows the relationship between religion, education, and wealth. Interestingly Hindus and Jews are the most educated and wealthy. Here are the rankings:

1. Hindus
2. Reform Jews
3. Conservative Jews
4. Anglicans/Episcopalians
5. Unitarians
6. Buddhists
7. Orthodox Christians
8. Presbyterians
9. Secular
10. Methodists
11. Lutherans
12. Mormons
13. Catholics
14. Muslims
15. Baptists
16. Unaffiliated religious
17. Pentecostals
18. Jehovah’s Witnesses

I asked a few of my Utah friends where they thought the LDS religion would be in these rankings. Interestingly, many of them thought that Mormons would be #1 in education and/or wealth. They were surprised to find out that Mormons were in the bottom tier. Why are Mormons not wealthy? It’s probably related to LDS members not paying tithing as they should. According to Elder Hales, paying more tithing will increase your wealth: Tithing: the Path to Riches

The Hindus and Jews are the wealthiest and therefore must be the most faithful when paying tithing.

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Mormon Prophet Receives 2nd Coming Revelation

Posted by skiutah on Tuesday, May 17, 2011

As reported in the SLC Expositor:

Prophet: Earth to Kolob, we have a problem… Saints have been asking if the 2nd coming is really going to happen this Saturday, please advise.

Lord: There will be no 2nd coming, ever.

Prophet: But what about all the visions, prophecies, and scriptures on this topic?

Lord: It’s a mindless hoax to convince non-thinkers to regularly donate money. The ruse works like this: a) I promise each generation they’re special, b) only the chosen few will be saved, c) the wicked will burn, d) the event can be predicted roughly by the occurrence of floods, famines, earthquakes, and wars. These are events that regularly happen every year, so it keeps the current generation thinking that 2nd coming time is always right around the corner. Never mind that every generation for the last 2000 years has seen all of these same “signs of the times”. To top it off, I throw in the “nobody knows when” escape clause, which allows me to propagate this myth in perpetuity. It’s amazingly effective.

Prophet: You’re not coming again?

Lord: No, the goal is to keep people believing and donating money. How do we do that? We use fear and gimmicky wording, like 666, anti-Christ, Satan’s armies, and so forth.

Prophet: You made up the number 666?

Lord: I use 666 along with 2*Pi when calculating the orbits of new planets that I’m building. It’s actually my lucky number.

Prophet: But what about the 1891 2nd coming prediction? Or some saints — as recently as 50 years ago — for whom patriarchs were guaranteeing would see the 2nd coming?

Lord: my bad. I lost track of time, and before I knew it, entire generations that were promised to see me come again were dead and buried. I’ve since instructed the patriarchs to ease up on the specific rhetoric, and use language that combines flattery with generalities like “you are special and chosen, you will have a family, you will serve in leadership positions, you will be rewarded…” See how it works? I learned that trick from a fortune teller. It keeps the customers happy and the money rolling in.

Prophet: I feel like we should let the saints know the truth.

Lord: uh, are you batshit crazy? I want my new shopping mall to be fully funded with the saints’ money. And the 2nd coming prophecy can never be debunked via DNA or archeological artifacts! This could be the one doctrine I never have to morph.

Prophet: Still, historical teachings have recently caused me to enroll in LDS cognitive dissonance therapy.

Lord: Oh for Christ’s sake, get a grip down there! I didn’t hire you to be honest; your job is to keep the coffers full. Look… I know I threw you under the bus a few times and had you backpedal with “I don’t know if we teach that anymore…” But trust me on this one, this 2nd coming tale is golden as long as we keep the flock focused on being uber chosen and won’t burn if they’ve paid to keep their temple recommends current. Kaaa-ching!

Prophet: This dishonesty won’t cause us to lose our non-prophet status will it?

Lord: Holy burning breasts! Talk about a fraudian slip, eerrr, freudian slip. You goof, it’s always been about the money. This is Kolob, over and out.

Posted in christianity, cults, LDS, mormon, religion | 3 Comments »

Mormon Christ Set to Return May 21, 2011

Posted by skiutah on Friday, May 13, 2011

Prepare to be judged next week and then enter a grueling 5 month torture period: E-Bible 2nd Coming Predictions Made Easy

After your five months of torture, the world will end on October 21, 2011. Read the Bible and Book of Mormon to jumpstart your 5 months of torture, begin your journey here:

Ecclesiastes 10:19, A feast is made for laughter, and wine maketh merry, but money answereth all things.

Questions: Does it really matter when Christ comes again? If you knew the repeat date, would you change anything about your lifestyle? I suppose if I knew the exact day, I would probably take a trip south, get some sun, and not worry about skin cancer.

Note: My grandmother was promised in her LDS patriarchal blessing that she would live to see Christ’s comeback, and would stand while others burned to a crisp. She fell short by about 20 years. If she had only been more faithful, she would have lived to see this day.

I was raised a Mormon, and growing up was fed large doses of these are the signs of the times, Christ’s coming is right around the corner, it’s sooner than anybody thinks, you are the chosen generation, you were sent here as one of the last generations because you were the most valient in the pre-existence, Saturday’s warriors, we’ll all be moving to Jackson County, Missouri soon… And all of this was in the 60s, 70s, and 80s. All of the signs were there, wars, tornados, floods, famine, drought, Jews in Jerusalem, and on and on.

Why the obsession with Christ coming again? Probably it makes people feel good hearing the message of “you’re special and will be saved.” It gives them a “hey Koolaid” exit from their less than spectacular lives. The topic of “Christ coming again, right around the corner” gives the people in power something that they can promise to the ordinary folks, and this myth keeps on giving, generation after generation. Nobody must bother to notice that this has been going on for as long as Christians have been around.

The 2nd coming message persists because it’s a money maker. It keeps people coming back. It worked with my Grandma’s generation, it worked with my generation, and the same message is being successfully sold to teenagers today.

http://www.mormongags.com/content/second-coming-1891-ad

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Posted by coventryrm on Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Posted in agnostic, atheist, BYU, christianity, cults, economics, morality, mormon, religion, science | Leave a Comment »

Book of Mormon Musical on NPR

Posted by coventryrm on Monday, May 9, 2011

first-listen-cast-recording-the-book-of-mormon

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