As reported in the SLC Expositor:
Prophet: Earth to Kolob, we have a problem… Saints have been asking if the 2nd coming is really going to happen this Saturday, please advise.
Lord: There will be no 2nd coming, ever.
Prophet: But what about all the visions, prophecies, and scriptures on this topic?
Lord: It’s a mindless hoax to convince non-thinkers to regularly donate money. The ruse works like this: a) I promise each generation they’re special, b) only the chosen few will be saved, c) the wicked will burn, d) the event can be predicted roughly by the occurrence of floods, famines, earthquakes, and wars. These are events that regularly happen every year, so it keeps the current generation thinking that 2nd coming time is always right around the corner. Never mind that every generation for the last 2000 years has seen all of these same “signs of the times”. To top it off, I throw in the “nobody knows when” escape clause, which allows me to propagate this myth in perpetuity. It’s amazingly effective.
Prophet: You’re not coming again?
Lord: No, the goal is to keep people believing and donating money. How do we do that? We use fear and gimmicky wording, like 666, anti-Christ, Satan’s armies, and so forth.
Prophet: You made up the number 666?
Lord: I use 666 along with 2*Pi when calculating the orbits of new planets that I’m building. It’s actually my lucky number.
Prophet: But what about the 1891 2nd coming prediction? Or some saints — as recently as 50 years ago — for whom patriarchs were guaranteeing would see the 2nd coming?
Lord: my bad. I lost track of time, and before I knew it, entire generations that were promised to see me come again were dead and buried. I’ve since instructed the patriarchs to ease up on the specific rhetoric, and use language that combines flattery with generalities like “you are special and chosen, you will have a family, you will serve in leadership positions, you will be rewarded…” See how it works? I learned that trick from a fortune teller. It keeps the customers happy and the money rolling in.
Prophet: I feel like we should let the saints know the truth.
Lord: uh, are you batshit crazy? I want my new shopping mall to be fully funded with the saints’ money. And the 2nd coming prophecy can never be debunked via DNA or archeological artifacts! This could be the one doctrine I never have to morph.
Prophet: Still, historical teachings have recently caused me to enroll in LDS cognitive dissonance therapy.
Lord: Oh for Christ’s sake, get a grip down there! I didn’t hire you to be honest; your job is to keep the coffers full. Look… I know I threw you under the bus a few times and had you backpedal with “I don’t know if we teach that anymore…” But trust me on this one, this 2nd coming tale is golden as long as we keep the flock focused on being uber chosen and won’t burn if they’ve paid to keep their temple recommends current. Kaaa-ching!
Prophet: This dishonesty won’t cause us to lose our non-prophet status will it?
Lord: Holy burning breasts! Talk about a fraudian slip, eerrr, freudian slip. You goof, it’s always been about the money. This is Kolob, over and out.