Book of Mormonisms

Did they really say THAT?

Archive for April, 2011

Mormon Wedding Superior to Royal Wedding

Posted by skiutah on Friday, April 29, 2011

Sorry England, sadly, Prince William and Princess Catherine’s royal wedding is not for time and eternity. It is only until death do they part. If they had participated in a Mormon wedding, they could have been married for time and eternity. On behalf of everybody in Utah, we express our condolences to the royal “for time only” family, as the Lord views this marriage as only earthly, not heavenly.

Not for time and eternity...

What was:
Church of England Royal Wedding

What could have been...

What could have been:
LDS Eternity Wedding
No non-Mormons allowed, sorry Queen Mum!
You must wait outside.

Tip: Avoid Mormon missionaries at all costs in this life. This makes you automatically eligible for Mormon baptism and Mormon eternity weddings in the next life. Note: There’s a “dead for one year” waiting period to get on the necro-nuptials list.


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Link to Easter Message

Posted by coventryrm on Sunday, April 24, 2011


Easter – A Pagan Festival


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Susan Brock Affair

Posted by coventryrm on Friday, April 22, 2011

Mormon Church Denies Prior Knowledge of Susan Brock Affair With Teen Boy, Which is a Lie

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Agnostic Plan of Salvation

Posted by skiutah on Monday, April 18, 2011

Sane Soteriology

Why do people believe in the following plan:
1. God procreates, intentionally creates billions and billions of mistake makers.
2. God makes a rule stating the billions of mistake makers cannot be accountable for their mistakes.
3. God then makes a rule that none of the billions can get back into heaven because they make mistakes.
4. Unless…. one of the offspring decides to get killed and accept responsibility for the mistakes of the billions and billions of mistake making offspring.
5. The mistake makers simply have to believe the guy that died (in Step 4) takes responsibility for the billions of mistake makers’ mistakes. Now the mistake makers can get into heaven.

That’s the best somebody (God) could do when in control of all the rules, variables, inputs, and outputs?

Some theories:
a) God is not very creative or smart.
b) Humans devised the 5 step plan.

Why do humans believe in the plan?
a) There is a natural tendency in humans to believe in a God.
b) Children will believe whatever their parents teach them; once the plan gets going, it will propagate itself (just like Islam, Superstition, Buddhism, Birtherism, Santa Claus, JWs, and any other religion).
c) The plan is appealing to humans who view themselves as flawed and/or have low self-esteem, no self-confidence, low intelligence, and no Internet access; this plan gets them back to heaven regardless of the imperfections, all they have to do is believe, it’s simple, it makes them feel good. This group will always make up the majority of the flock.
d) Smart humans realize that many humans will believe in this plan and therefore see it as a way to manipulate others, get rich, and retain positions of popularity and power. This aspect appeals to the ambitious, motiviated, aspiring, controlling, Machiavellian types. This guarantees leadership for the plan.
e) If a spouse believes in the plan, the partner will say they believe also (when they really don’t care at all), the goal is companionship and sex (oh God, oh God).
f) Humans don’t like to admit it when they’re wrong. Having bought into the plan, once a believer, it’s easier to keep believing rather than admit it’s not true (even when you don’t believe anymore, especially when family and friends still deeply believe).
g) Peer pressure and a sense of community. If you believe, you have more friends, contacts, status within the community, get better business deals, better marriage prospects, and so on. Who cares if the plan is true (that doesn’t matter at all), the benefits are good, so why not say you believe? This is perhaps the best reason to believe of all.

Some twists to the plan:
a) If you don’t believe in the plan, you will burn in hell for eternity.
b) Many/most groups state that their version of the plan is correct and all other versions are wrong, therefore if you believe in the wrong flavor of the plan, you will burn in hell for eternity.
c) If you buy into a particular version of the plan, God will bless you, if you believe in the wrong version of the plan, God will punish you, and you will burn in hell for eternity.
d) It’s okay to treat badly those that don’t believe in your version of the plan. After all, you are right, and the non-believer is wrong. Right is might.

End result:
* Small number of intelligent and controlling leaders in charge of large numbers of humans who are easily directed and fleeced.
* No inspiration, dull, cold, and dimwitted organizations that rely on the above mentioned levers to keep the flock following and the leaders secure in positions of authority and power.
* Places like Utah and Iran.

* Do the above caveats sound like a super intelligent being’s plan?
* Or something a human would devise?

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