Book of Mormonisms

Did they really say THAT?

Archive for October, 2010

Where is the Hill Cumorah (Ramah)?

Posted by skiutah on Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Steel weapons of the Book of Mormon

Mormon and Moroni with Nephite Battle Clubs

As reported in an Arizona newpaper, countless thousands of human bones have been found in burial pits in Arizona: Countless Human Bones Found in AZ

Church leaders have confirmed that they believe the Hill Cumorah is in Arizona and not in New York state. Officials are relieved to finally have solid proof of a Book of Mormon battlesite where steel weapons were used and millions of Nephite, Lamanite, and Jaradite soliders died. For example, Church leaders have identified an actual stainless steel Nephite style war club (see photo) found in the bone pit.

How can you be sure this is the Hill Cumorah? Those who are awakened will recognize the truth contained on this site, and that is what matters most, that you take it to Christ yourself, and do as Moroni asked:

I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost. And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things. And whatsoever thing is good is just and true. Moroni 10:3-6

Need more proof than a burning in your bosom? Here’s another photo of what church leaders have identified as a Jaradite stainless steel battle mallet found with the bones:

Nephite Steel War Club

Nephite Steel War Club

Jaradite Battle Axe

Jaradite Battle Mallet

Note: No chariots, shields, or horse bones have been found yet, but church leaders are confident that many so called Book of Mormon anachronisms (elephant bones, cockatrice, cattle bones, barley, wheat, and so on) will soon be found in the bone pit.

No word yet from Mormon leaders on whether or not the Hill Cumorah bone pit will be designated as an LDS historical site.

LDS leaders have anonymously provided an actual map (from the church vault in SLC) of Book of Mormon lands. The map includes Nephite and Lamanite cities, golden plates, and the Hill Cumorah (Ramah) locations that are now believed to be in Arizona:

This is the place for Nephite battles!

Book of Mormon Lands in Arizona

Post Mortem: Church leaders are seriously debating on whether the Hill Cumorah pageant should be moved to a location in southern Arizona. We will update this post as soon as more information becomes available regarding Arizona as the new location for the Hill Cumorah pageant.

Just How Many People Died at the Hill Cumorah and Hill Ramah?
* Ether 15:2, At Hill Ramah, just one of armies there had millions and millions of people who died in battle.
* Ether 15:11, Hill Ramah is the place where Mormon hid the golden plates (aka Hill Cumorah).
* Ether 15:15, the people fighting had shields, breatplates, head-plates, and clothing for war.

Are Mormons Responsible for Zombie Movies?
* Ether 15:30, Coriantumur decapitates Shiz.
* Ether 15:31, Shiz, after his head is cut off, raises up on his hands, after he rises on his hands, then he falls, and then after he falls, Shiz (without a head) struggles to breath. We humbly submit that this could be the verse that inspired countless zombie movies.

Where are these millions upon millions of bones and battle gear? We humbly submit the location must be in Arizona. This is the only place with solid proof of the battle.

If you are a Mormon, and if you still believe in the Book of Mormon, you no longer have to defend the missing bones and battle gear. Gone are the excuses like:
* We don’t know the exact location of the Hill Cumorah, it’s not important except for when we do the Hill Cumorah pageant.
* It’s possible that millions upon millions upon millions of human bones, shields, breatplates, head-plates, and clothing for war somehow all dissolved away leaving not one shard of physical evidence. Maybe the soil was acidic, it’s possible.
* The translation of the Book of Mormon might be wrong, Joseph Smith thought he saw “millions” in the translation stones and hat, but what God really meant for him to see was “dozens”. The final battle story somehow becomes a lot more believable when you substitute “dozens” in for the word “millions”. We are waiting for church leaders to receive a revelation from God on this one. Afterall, God should know exactly how many people died at the Hill Cumorah and Hill Ramah.

Look no further than Arizona for real answers for real Mormons, name of Jesus, amen.

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Packer’s Gay Talk Edited on LDS Website

Posted by skiutah on Friday, October 8, 2010

Here’s the Salt Lake Tribune article: Packer Misstatement on Gays

The most controversial part of the Packer’s speech was this line: “Some suppose that they were pre-set and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn tendencies toward the impure and unnatural. Not so! Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone? Remember he is our father.”

The word “temptations” has replaced “tendencies” and the question about God’s motives has been removed entirely.

You gotta hand it to the LDS church, at least they’re not waiting years or decades now before changing LDS apostle teachings that are just plain wrong.

Newsflash: Effective immediately, the LDS Public Relations department has taken over receiving Mormon revelations from God. Until further notice, the mormon prophet and other apostles have been relieved of uttering “thus saith the Lord”. The LDS PR department also announced they’ll delay the live feed at the next General Conference for 60 seconds so they can scrub out words that God wouldn’t want said.

An LDS PR spokesperson stated offline that when Elder Packer dies (which shouldn’t be long), his inspired gay bashing will be quickly dismissed as “spoke as a homophobic man”.

In other LDS news: Joseph Smith’s first vision about all churches being wrong and abominations has now been changed to “partly cloudy with chance of rain”.

Elder Packer's Gay Words of Wisdom

Posted in cults, LDS, mormon | 1 Comment »