Book of Mormonisms

Did they really say THAT?

Archive for August, 2010

Brigham Young Alcohol Prophecy Proves True

Posted by skiutah on Monday, August 30, 2010

Recent research is proving that Brigham Young may have actually been a prophet of God after all. Here is his Alcohol Prophecy: “If a person is weary, worn out, cast down, fainting, or dying, a brandy sling, a little wine, or a cup of tea is good to revive them. Do not throw these things away, and say they must never be used; they are good to be used with judgment, prudence, and discretion.” Journal of Discourses 12:403

Recent research is proving just that, heavy alcohol drinkers live longer than those who have never had a drop: Heavy Drinkers Outlive Nondrinkers

Implications of allowing Mormons to drink alcohol may have wide ranging impact. For missionaries in countries that allow drinking at age 18, this could boost moral significantly. Also a modification in the WoW may help reduce Utah’s ranking as “most depressed state in US”.

No word yet from Church officials if the Word of Wisdom will be modified to conform with modern science and thus suffer the same fate as other doctrines that have quietly been swept under the “dead prophet speaking as a man” carpet (God was Man, Polygamy, Blacks were bad spirits in pre-heaven, Indians are Jews, Kolob is a power source for the Sun, and so on).

Regardless, the LDS faithful are in high spirits over this new revelation, finally one of Brigham Young’s Journal of Discourses quotes turns out to be not an embarassment. Additonally, members will actually look forward to Home Teacher visits if they are allowed to drink beer during these dreaded required meetings.

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Necrodunker Sues LDS Over Dead Baptisms

Posted by skiutah on Wednesday, August 25, 2010

A Las Vegas necrodunker is suing the LDS Church because Mormon temple officials wouldn’t let him take a coffee break while performing baptisms of dead people: Necrodunker fractures spine while baptizing dead using large Mormons

According to his claim, some of the young women and men he immersed in the name of the dead weighed as much as 250 pounds. No word yet from Provo on whether BYU coeds were used in the ceremony.

Else what shall they do which are baptized for the dead, if the dead rise not at all? why are they then baptized for the dead? 1 Corinthians 15:29

LDS church leaders may initiate a court of love against the out of alignment necrodunker and have his recommend to baptize the dead revoked. One official anonymously stated that this dead dunker will most likely be assigned to the telestial kingdom in the next life for his spineless lawsuit, and thus will not be eligible for multiple wives in the afterlife.

Newsflash: In light of this back breaking work for the dead, Utah officials are considering the following changes:
– Weight limit imposed on dead dunkees
– Tag team necrodunking, let the tired necrodunker tag out of the baptisimal font, much like in pro wrestling
– Have the prophet receive a revelation stating this practice of dunking the dead is no longer required and shelve it with the other bad publicity, dust gathering teachings: Polygamy, Blacks not eligible for the priesthood, American Indians from Israel, the Book of Abraham, Blood Atonement, and so on.

Editor’s Note: Eliminating the baptism of the dead ceremony will help move Mormonism into the Christian mainstream. 20 years from now, LDS members will not have a clue that baptisms for the dead used to be part of Mormon doctrine. Any literature that mentions baptisms for the dead will be labeled “anti-Mormon”. The “anti-Mormon” label will stop most Mormons dead in their tracks from investigating any further; in this mode even smart Mormons will get glazed eyes. Sure, former Mormon prophets would be outraged by such apostate thoughts, but they’re dead, and thus automatically eligible for the frequently “spoke as a man” rationalization program.

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Simply put for those that do not understand why the “Will” of the people doesn’t always cut it.

Posted by coventryrm on Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Posted in agnostic, atheist, christianity, cults, economics, Environment, LDS, morality, mormon, religion | 1 Comment »