Book of Mormonisms

Did they really say THAT?

Mormon Church Reconsidering Anti-Coffee Stance

Posted by skiutah on Friday, June 25, 2010

Recent studies show mounting evidence of coffee’s healthy benefits: Coffee’s Mysterious Benefits

Highlights from the article:
– Regular coffee drinkers have a 39 percent decreased risk of head and neck cancer
– Coffee can help to prevent the neural degeneration associated with brain disorders and aging
– Drinking coffee lowers the risk of stroke by 19 percent among women
– People who drink coffee reduce their risk of developing liver cancer by 41 percent
– Coffee cut male coffee drinkers’ risk of aggressive prostate cancer by 60 percent
– Women who drank one to three cups of java a day reduced their risk of cardiovascular disease by 24 percent
– Coffee is protective against certain brain tumors, endometrial cancer and advanced prostate cancer

LDS leaders are slowly acknowledging God may not have had access to this type of research when the Word of Wisdom was first foisted on members. Given recent findings on coffee’s healthy benefits, church seers are considering amending D&C 89 to allow for java based drinks to become legal for Latter Day Saints.

– Coffee drinking members will live longer, and thus pay tithing longer (ka-ching said the little bean, give o give).
– Use coffee instead of water for the sacrament; vastly reduce the amount of snoring that has plagued sacrament meetings for years.
– Effective immediately, temple recommend holders will no longer be required to wear sunglasses when entering Starbucks.

– Church members will be more mentally stimulated, this might prompt members to ask questions and form their own opinions.

When asked if changing the Word of Wisdom would shake the faith of members, one apostle opined “no biggie, we’ve changed many doctrines in the past, and our experience is that members don’t remember what was taught 20 years ago, so this shouldn’t be an issue for long.”

Mormon Cup o Joe (Smith)

Mormon Cup o Joe
New and everlasting flavor!
Now on sale at LDS Temple gift shops.

Proposed new wording for D&C 89 verse 9:
“And again, hot drinks are not for the body or belly. But yea, verily, I say unto you, there hath been made an ordained exception, java based hot drinks are now okay.”

Note: Also under consideration, striking verse 12 from D&C 89. Church leaders openly admit that nobody in Utah ever seriously considered eating meat sparingly.


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