Book of Mormonisms

Did they really say THAT?

Can Neanderthals become Mormons?

Posted by skiutah on Monday, May 10, 2010

Recent DNA evidence shows that some Europeans have Neanderthal forefathers. The study shows that 1% to 4% of European genetic makeup comes from Neanderthal bloodlines: Neanderthal DNA found in humans

Church leaders hope that these Neanderthal ancestors can be identified so that their names can be added to the temple list for Baptism for the Dead. Utah officals predict the number of Neanderthals who posthumously accept Mormonism to quadruple the number of LDS spirit world conversions.

Utah officials admit it won’t be easy baptizing dead Neanderthals. One leader who spoke on the condition of anonymity said “honestly, we don’t know the names of all Neanderthals that were mating with humans from 100,000 B.C. to 30,000 B.C., but our prophet has revealed there are many long time spirit world inhabitants who caved in after seeing the DNA study. We’re grateful to our Heavenly Father for finally providing a situation where DNA is helping us.”

Note: A special fast and prayer séance will take place this coming Sunday. The hope is that spirit world Neanderthals will whisper through the veil their names to temple workers. To get in tune with the spirit, Mormons have been instructed to read “Clan of the Cavebear” or watch the lowbrow cult classic “Quest for Fire” before this coming weekend.

Hello, call me Oaphite, I'm a Neanderthal ancestor, I've had the spirit world missionary lessons, and thanks to DNA tests, I've just become eligible to have Baptism for the Dead performed for me. Please quit dragging your knuckles on this issue.

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2 Responses to “Can Neanderthals become Mormons?”

  1. coventryrm said

    I am laughing so damn hard… must be a wine and vodka night for DK

  2. Adult of god said

    Love the dress! And it’s garment-ready.

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