Book of Mormonisms

Did they really say THAT?

Book of Mormon to be Retranslated

Posted by skiutah on Saturday, December 5, 2009

Stephenie Meyer has been hired by the LDS church to re-translate the Book of Mormon to include vampires. The updated BOM will be known as the Ghoul-den Plates edition. This is an attempt by the Church to attract new blood and fresh life. LDS leaders hope that Book of Mormon stories will be more believable if characters are re-cast as vampires. For example Nephi, with supernatural powers, instead of having to slay Laban wth a sword, Nephi will simply rip off Laban’s head and suck out his blood.

Book of Mormon characters as vampires solves many vexing issues:
– The three Nephites are vampires, it makes sense that they are immortal and live forever.
Lamanites can now be found as dark skinned bats living in caves near Missouri.
– Explains not finding evidence of millions of people dying in battles, because vampire bodies are vaporized when the sun comes up.
Sons of Hemoglobin, 2000 stripling warrior vampires is believable, none of them die in battle.

Church leaders are tentatively optimistic, as one official explained “there is no way to disprove that vampires once existed in the Americas. They leave no evidence. This will put a stake through the hearts of doubters.”

Sariah in the wilderness.

1 Nephi 5:3: Sariah complains to Lehi about sons being sent back to Jerusalem.

Grandpa Lehi

1 Nephi 11-14: Grandpa Lehi listens to Sariah and erects the iron rod vision.

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