Book of Mormonisms

Did they really say THAT?

How to Succeed on a Mormon Mission

Posted by skiutah on Thursday, May 28, 2009

You will be instructed to use the “spirit” to guide you on your LDS mission to find converts. Understand what the “spirit” really is. The “spirit” is a pleasant psychological response in the human brain to an outside event. This is also commonly referred to as the “Holy Ghost” or “burning in the bosom”. Missionaries with charisma or talent can more easily evoke the “spirit” response in other human beings.

Understand that evoking the “spirit” response in a prospective convert has nothing to do with how righteous you are. Charming missionaries convert more people regardless of their morality. This explains why missionaries who frequently masturbate, fornicate, or break the word of wisdom are still able to baptize many people on their missions.

If you don’t have a magnetic personality, you can still succeed on your mission, but it requires one of the following:

* Be assigned to a companion who has charisma. You can ride his/her coattails and claim victory as if it were your virtue, adherence to the rules, and work ethic that resulted in the Lord guiding you to people enamored by your companion’s appealing character.
* Be sent to a mission that has a high number of low income desperate people who need the church’s help. You can have the charm of a gnat, break all the rules, and you still will baptize many.

If you are called to a mission that doesn’t fit into the above criteria, prepare yourself for two years of frustration and failure. However, knowing the truth will help you cope with the following:

* Why isn’t the Holy Ghost guiding us to people waiting to be baptized?
* Why is the Elder with the gay personality doing so good?
* We’re following the rules, why aren’t we succeeding?
* Why is the Elder who throws darts at a map to locate converts so successful?

Note to MTC instructors: We suggest that you do not provide this information to a newbie missionary. Rather provide them with a time capsule note that they should open when they are three months into their mission and the reality has started to sink in.

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3 Responses to “How to Succeed on a Mormon Mission”

  1. Don said

    You don’t have a clue what the Spirit really is. The Spirit can tell you things that you could not possibly know otherwise. I’ve had this happen several times in my life. It’s a feeling, yes, but unlike anything else. And once you receive it, it can grow brighter until the perfect day if it is nurtured. If it is ignored, the light will be taken from the individual.

    Mock if you will. It doesn’t matter. Your opinion doesn’t matter when it contradicts truth.

    And here’s the answers to your four well thought out questions.

    1. God will force no man to heaven. He will not remove your or my agency.
    2. No response to a ridiculous question.
    3. See answer to #1.
    4. See answer to #2.

    • coventryrm said

      “You don’t have a clue what the Spirit really is.”

      What makes you so certain that you have a clue? Why is your “Feeling” any more the real deal than let’s say someone of a different faith who has a spiritual witness that contradicts yours?

      “The Spirit can tell you things that you could not possibly know otherwise. I’ve had this happen several times in my life. It’s a feeling, yes, but unlike anything else.”
      If this feeling of the spirit is such a reliable source of knowledge why do we have some many contradictory belief systems and myths derived from such feelings? How can one truly rely on this alone for knowledge and truth, especially when the feeling validates things so easily debunked such as Native Americans being of Jewish descent, or that it makes sense for the word “Cockatrice” to be found in the Book of Mormon.

      “And once you receive it, it can grow brighter until the perfect day if it is nurtured. If it is ignored, the light will be taken from the individual.”
      I can assure you that my “light” is much brighter now that I have taken of the darkened lens of Mormonism that I once viewed the world through, you don’t know that you need corrective lenses until you actually look through them and see what you have been missing.

      “Mock if you will. It doesn’t matter. Your opinion doesn’t matter when it contradicts truth.”
      Does it matter that your “Feeling” Contradicts truths that are factual, testable and verifiable?

  2. coventryrm said

    Copied from a Posting on the RFM board.

    I remember being told as a missionary to look for people in crisis that they would be more receptive to the “Spirit”

    “So this weekend we had to do another hospital stay with our daughter because she had a slight elevated fever and her counts were low….nothing wrong just precautionary with leukemia. ANYWAY Friday night was my shift (hubby and I take turns spending the nights and days up there when she has to stay so she is not alone)

    They have a family lounge in the cancer wing that has fridge ,microwave , coffee. etc. I went in to pop her some popcorn and I kid you not there are 2 missionaries and a spanish speaking woman and they are giving her in very broken spanglish an explanation of how they the LDS inc. have the power of God . Okay now I know this mom . Her son who is 3 has a rare form of brain cancer only 8 documented cases in the world and she and her son (father was deported) have been there for 5 months straight . He is having radiation and it has not worked …all of us parents know who she is and we hug her every time we see her . All of us cancer parents have the same look . FEAR !!!

    These elders are explaining that she needs to read her BOM and pray about it and you can tell she has been …..
    I joke not when I tell you that right there as her child is waiting to die they were trying to commit her to baptism and making all sorts of promises of what god will do for her ….She was hesitant and unsure .

    I did not move I felt frozen I couldn’t leave her there thinking that penishood magic would save her son!! I just couldn’t . Then the one kid tells her that he KNOWS as he crys that god will perform a miracle and if she has enough faith god can perform miracles! Well guys that is when I snapped. I interupted the conversation right then .
    I said elders what the hell are you doing ??? I let them know I understood that they were just kids and totally duped into thinking all they have been taught . Told them I was a return missionary and could not believe that they were trying to commit her in the middle of her crisis!!!! I explained that even though they might not realize it because of their youth and indoctrination that that mom ….she is a mom first only heard one thing they said !! She heard the word “CURE” I told them that it was wrong to tell her such a thing and that as parents on that floor we would do anything and I mean ANYTHING to cure our children! They got mad at me can you believe that ?? THey actually had the nerve to tell me that they have been called of God and I should of all people understand that! OH PLEASE! but I let it slide as I was a 21 year old missionary once who believed everything SLC said . I refused to leave the room ….they got uncomfortable when the nurse came in and heard them because she said she did not think that was the time or place to do that and that they should go down to the chapel for that talk!

    When they left I hugged that mom and she asked me what she should do ??? As a cancer parent I knew exactly what she should do …the only thing cancer parents can do . HOPE THE MEDICINE WORKS and hope we have the strength to see when it isn’t and say goodbye! That is all we can do especially her when her son’s cancer is incurable . Another mom came in and said “I will tell you what to do honey . CRY!!!!” and we sat there with her while she cried!She obviously believes in god and christianity and since I am allergic to religion;) we called the chaplin who only tells parents to pray for strength to handle things not healing!!!

    Sorry I rambled but I am still so upset at what they said ..I’m more angry that SLC still spews the crap they do !!!! She asked me what to do with the BOM ….the chaplin knows us and that we are exmo’s and so he and I said THROW THE DAME THING OUT! I told her I used to be a mormon and that is was HORRIBLE and nothing but lies.

    I will see her again next week for our mandatory instay chemo . Anyway thanks for letting me share …I feel better!”

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