Book of Mormonisms

Did they really say THAT?

Archive for May, 2009

First Lamanite Picked for Supreme Court

Posted by skiutah on Thursday, May 28, 2009

If confirmed, Sonia Sotomayor will be the first Lamanite on the Supreme Court (see bio here): Sonia Sotomayor

There has been no official word from LDS leaders if they will instruct the Utah senators to swiftly confirm the first Lamanite on bench. LDS general authorities may petition that Ms. Sotomayer be sworn in with her hand on a Book of Mormon.

As a Lamanite, Sonia qualifies to have her skin turn white and delightsome sometime in the future. No word from Ms. Sotomayer yet if she’ll allow DNA evidence to be used to overturn the Book of Mormon.

SLC sources report that the brethren are busily rewording several prophecies regarding the constitution. One new revision reads “Joseph Smith predicted that the time would come when the constitution would hang by a thread, and at that time this lady Lamanite will step forth and save it from the threatened destruction.”

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How to Succeed on a Mormon Mission

Posted by skiutah on Thursday, May 28, 2009

You will be instructed to use the “spirit” to guide you on your LDS mission to find converts. Understand what the “spirit” really is. The “spirit” is a pleasant psychological response in the human brain to an outside event. This is also commonly referred to as the “Holy Ghost” or “burning in the bosom”. Missionaries with charisma or talent can more easily evoke the “spirit” response in other human beings.

Understand that evoking the “spirit” response in a prospective convert has nothing to do with how righteous you are. Charming missionaries convert more people regardless of their morality. This explains why missionaries who frequently masturbate, fornicate, or break the word of wisdom are still able to baptize many people on their missions.

If you don’t have a magnetic personality, you can still succeed on your mission, but it requires one of the following:

* Be assigned to a companion who has charisma. You can ride his/her coattails and claim victory as if it were your virtue, adherence to the rules, and work ethic that resulted in the Lord guiding you to people enamored by your companion’s appealing character.
* Be sent to a mission that has a high number of low income desperate people who need the church’s help. You can have the charm of a gnat, break all the rules, and you still will baptize many.

If you are called to a mission that doesn’t fit into the above criteria, prepare yourself for two years of frustration and failure. However, knowing the truth will help you cope with the following:

* Why isn’t the Holy Ghost guiding us to people waiting to be baptized?
* Why is the Elder with the gay personality doing so good?
* We’re following the rules, why aren’t we succeeding?
* Why is the Elder who throws darts at a map to locate converts so successful?

Note to MTC instructors: We suggest that you do not provide this information to a newbie missionary. Rather provide them with a time capsule note that they should open when they are three months into their mission and the reality has started to sink in.

Posted in christianity, cults, LDS, morality, mormon, religion | 3 Comments »

‘Missing link’

Posted by coventryrm on Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Posted in agnostic, atheist, religion, science | 1 Comment »

35,000 Year Old Cave Porn Discovered

Posted by skiutah on Monday, May 18, 2009

A 35,000 year old cave porn doll was discovered in Germany (click here for the article): 35,000 year old sex aid

From the cave writings on the walls scientists were able to unravel some details:
* The Cave Bishop revoked the temple recommend of the caveman caught with the doll.
* The Cave Stake President told the ward cave that a well endowed member’s fall into pornography never occurs during regular worship at the cave temple.
* The Cave General Authorities decreed that the doll produced fantasies that destroyed the cave dweller spirit.
* The Cave Prophet warned of the corrupting influence of cave porn that was sweeping cave society like an avalanche of evil and would soon lead to the downfall of the human race.

Note: LDS general authorities are attempting to gather the names of the ancient cave dwellers so that their after-death baptisms may be performed (better late than never). They’ve been in the spirit world for 35,000 years and have plenty of time to repent for their use of cave porn.

Posted in atheist | Leave a Comment »

Obama’s Dead Mother Baptized into Mormon Church

Posted by skiutah on Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Obama’s Mama now a Mormon! Reports from Salt Lake indicate that the LDS church has exhumed Barack Obama’s mother’s spirit and necro baptized her:

LDS leaders share insights on these dead doctrines: LDS Necro Baptisms Save Earth

Mormon Christian Mainstream Checklist:
– 4th largest Christian church in U.S.
– Polygamy now bad
– Gay marriage bad

Not So Fast Checklist:
– Offensive ordinances performed on dead people
– Interesting temple ceremonies shown on HBO

Posted in cults, LDS, mormon, religion | Leave a Comment »

When Was the Mormon Priesthood Restored?

Posted by skiutah on Saturday, May 2, 2009

This article states that the genetic diversity in Africa supports the theory that humanity evolved and originated in Africa (click here): Out of Africa

Inspired LDS prophets teach us otherwise:
1. Humanity originated in Missouri 6,000 years ago, not evolving in Africa over millions of years.
2. Noah floated from America to the Middle East to continue humanity there (not Africa). Therefore Middle Eastern people (and American Indian Lamanites) should have more genetic diversity than Africans.

Problem: If all people descended from Africans, this means that the priesthood could never have been restored in the 1830s, because God didn’t allow Africans or their descendants to hold the priesthood prior to 1978.

Insider’s tip: It’s possible that God only granted Joseph Smith a learner’s permit on the priesthood in the 1830s, and that the full priesthood wasn’t restored until 1978, when male humanity finally became eligible for the real priesthood.

Posted in cults, LDS, mormon, religion, science | 3 Comments »