Book of Mormonisms

Did they really say THAT?

Archive for March, 2009

Westboro Baptist Church

Posted by coventryrm on Saturday, March 21, 2009

 Some more wonderful examples of  Christian morals and spreading the love of Christ!

“God appointed the Bunny Slope to Ensnare the Simple Sluts of Doomed America! Thank God for the Bunny Slope of Cursed Quebec, Canada!”


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HBO’s Big Love LDS Temple Ceremony

Posted by skiutah on Saturday, March 14, 2009

LDS Alert: HBO is airing the Mormon temple ceremony in prime time! For details click here: Big Love

We recommend that you invite a non-LDS family into your home to watch the Big Love LDS temple ceremony. Afterwards, you’ll have some explaining to do; here are some helpful guidelines:

Q: Why does God require secret handshakes and passwords to get into heaven?
A: The all powerful Lord cannot differentiate sinners from saints without special handshakes and passwords.

Q: Can non-Mormons get into heaven now that they know the secret handshakes and passwords?
A: This may be God’s way of making Mormonism more mainstream, by allowing non-Mormons into heaven.

Q: Why do men wear the Keebler Elf outfits?
A: Explaining this would be like giving a Ph.D. lecture to first graders. You don’t have the background to understand this concept.

Q: Do Mormons still believe in puerile marriage?
A: It’s “plural”, not “puerile”. Read D&C 132, for the revelation to Joseph Smith on the plurality of wives.

Q: Does this hurt Mitt Romney’s chances in 2012?
A: HBO has introduced LDS temple ceremony to the world, everybody will know how to get into heaven now, which can only help Mitt.


Posted in christianity, cults, LDS, mormon, religion | 3 Comments »

Death Penalty Required

Posted by skiutah on Saturday, March 7, 2009

LDS Alert: Some states are considering suspending the holy ordinance of the death penalty because it is too expensive: Death Penalty Too Expensive

God knows capital punishment better than life: “Whoso sheddeth man’s blood, by man shall his blood be shed.” I know there are some benevolent and philanthropic people in these times who think that capital punishment ought to be abolished. Yet I think the Lord knows better than they.” Joseph Fielding Smith, Answers to Gospel Questions, vol. 1, p. 189

The Lord’s Law of Necro-Neighborism: “This is loving our neighbour as ourselves; if he needs help, help him; and if he wants salvation and it is necessary to spill his blood on the earth in order that he may be saved, spill it.” Brigham Young, JD 4:220

There will be Blood (in Utah)! “hence in Utah, when the Latter-day Saints, in their capacity as citizens of the state have made the laws, condemned criminals, subject to capital punishment, are permitted to choose their mode of execution either by being hung or shot, the latter mode, of course, resulting in the shedding of their blood, thus meeting the requirements of the law of God…” B. H. Roberts, A Comprehensive History of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, vol. 4, p. 138

Prison Ward Bishop’s Note: After each inmate’s execution, please submit their name to be baptized while they’re dead. Another example of the Lord’s doctrines (Death Penalty and Baptimsm for the Dead) fitting together in bosom burning ways.

Recommendations: Ask your Bishop to send all tithing money to the U.S. federal death penalty fund. You can also become a volunteer executioner at a nearby prison and thus help the government get sinners to heaven less expensively (get online training at below link). The Lord is depending on you to keep this morbid practice alive and affordable for evil people that have no other way of reaching celestial glory.

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