Book of Mormonisms

Did they really say THAT?

Garden of Eden Theme Park

Posted by skiutah on Saturday, February 21, 2009

According to Mormon theologians and LDS folklore, Missouri is the location of the Garden of Eden, where humanity originated. Missouri is also where LDS members will gather before Christ comes a 2nd time. To hasten the arrival of this event, we propose that the LDS general authorities construct a Garden of Eden World theme park in Missouri. Here are some ideas:

Adam-ondi-Ahman Adult Gift Shop: Help your spouse celebrate Eve’s temptation of Adam with vibrating snake accessories and fruit flavored lubricants.

Adam’s Alter Rock Climb: A huge rock climbing wall located on the original location of Adam’s Alter. Saints will feel the spirit when they grasp the rocks that Adam touched.

Eve’s Polygamy Pub: A tasteful eatery that serves fruits, nuts, and other fine foods. All waitresses will be dressed up as 19th century Mormon polygamists.

Conclusions: Write a letter to the prophet and demand that he stop spending billons on shopping malls. Instead, funnel that money into God’s Garden of Eden World theme park in Jackson County, Missouri. This will help faciliate the return of the saints to Missouri before the Lord comes again.

Note to Home Teachers: Use the below references to spread the word and let families know about the Lord’s Garden of Eden Land. Help make this dream come true:

“When our father Adam came into the garden of Eden, he came into it with a celestial body, and brought Eve, one of his wives, with him. Brigham Young, JD 1:51

“The Garden of Eden was located in the area of present-day Missouri. It is not difficult for me, as we travel from Adam-ondi-Ahman down to Independence and back and forth to Liberty and up to Kingston and to Far West, to think of this as the Garden of Eden.” The Teachings of Harold B. Lee, p. 35

“The wall was 30 feet long, 3 feet thick, and 4 feet high. It was laid in mortar or cement. When Joseph Smith visited the place and examined the wall he said it was the remains of an altar built by Father Adam and upon which he offered sacrifices after he was driven from the Garden of Eden. He said that the Garden of Eden was located in Jackson County, Missouri.” Wilford Woodruff, His Life and Labors, p. 545


3 Responses to “Garden of Eden Theme Park”

  1. coventryrm said

    How come these footprints weren’t found in Missouri?

  2. skiutah said

    Some possible answers:
    – God is purposely placing evidence that suggests Earth is 5 billion years old and humans evolved over millions of years in Africa. This tests our faith in LDS prophets who teach humankind originated in Missouri 6,000 years ago and floated to Africa on a boat.
    – God works in mysterious ways, we’ll get all answers in the next life.

    Speaking of footprints, another one of the 3 Nephites was spotted by these missionaries:

  3. deaconj123 said

    Shouldn’t the Garden of Eden be a National Park? Not a theme park. Right up there with Zion National Park, right?

    The Garden of Eden Nation Park. Shouldn’t Adam’s Alter be at least a National Monument?

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