Book of Mormonisms

Did they really say THAT?

Archive for February, 2009

Clovis Evidence Debunked

Posted by skiutah on Friday, February 27, 2009

LDS Alert: Don’t be deceived by scientists claiming that humans were killing animals in Colorado 13,000 years ago: Ancient American Clovis Butchers

LDS prophets have taught that the human race is only 6,000 years old. Here is one of many inspired quotes from the brethren on this topic: “We have evidence beyond dispute that Adam was driven out of the Garden of Eden about 6,000 years ago, or perhaps a short time less.” Joseph Fielding Smith, Doctrines of Salvation, p. 79

We also know from Mormon prophets that animals had no blood before Adam fell, making it impossible to kill earthly horses and camels 13,000 years ago: “There was no blood in his body and he could have remained there forever. This is true of all the other creations. This statement may not be very pleasing to our evolutionists, but it is true.” Joseph Fielding Smith, Doctrines of Salvation, p.75

If these archeologists had claimed American mustangs were being butchered 2,500 years ago, then that would be correct, because the Book of Mormon teaches that horses existed in America at that time: “there were beasts in the forests of every kind, both the cow and the ox, and the ass and the horse.” 1 Ne. 18:25

Or perhaps there were a few chapters accidentally left out of the Book of Mormon, like 1st Clovis and 2nd Clovis?

Fast and pray that this guy (see below link) will be called as a General Authority to help clarify these doctrines:

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Garden of Eden Theme Park

Posted by skiutah on Saturday, February 21, 2009

According to Mormon theologians and LDS folklore, Missouri is the location of the Garden of Eden, where humanity originated. Missouri is also where LDS members will gather before Christ comes a 2nd time. To hasten the arrival of this event, we propose that the LDS general authorities construct a Garden of Eden World theme park in Missouri. Here are some ideas:

Adam-ondi-Ahman Adult Gift Shop: Help your spouse celebrate Eve’s temptation of Adam with vibrating snake accessories and fruit flavored lubricants.

Adam’s Alter Rock Climb: A huge rock climbing wall located on the original location of Adam’s Alter. Saints will feel the spirit when they grasp the rocks that Adam touched.

Eve’s Polygamy Pub: A tasteful eatery that serves fruits, nuts, and other fine foods. All waitresses will be dressed up as 19th century Mormon polygamists.

Conclusions: Write a letter to the prophet and demand that he stop spending billons on shopping malls. Instead, funnel that money into God’s Garden of Eden World theme park in Jackson County, Missouri. This will help faciliate the return of the saints to Missouri before the Lord comes again.

Note to Home Teachers: Use the below references to spread the word and let families know about the Lord’s Garden of Eden Land. Help make this dream come true:

“When our father Adam came into the garden of Eden, he came into it with a celestial body, and brought Eve, one of his wives, with him. Brigham Young, JD 1:51

“The Garden of Eden was located in the area of present-day Missouri. It is not difficult for me, as we travel from Adam-ondi-Ahman down to Independence and back and forth to Liberty and up to Kingston and to Far West, to think of this as the Garden of Eden.” The Teachings of Harold B. Lee, p. 35

“The wall was 30 feet long, 3 feet thick, and 4 feet high. It was laid in mortar or cement. When Joseph Smith visited the place and examined the wall he said it was the remains of an altar built by Father Adam and upon which he offered sacrifices after he was driven from the Garden of Eden. He said that the Garden of Eden was located in Jackson County, Missouri.” Wilford Woodruff, His Life and Labors, p. 545

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Are Mormons Christians?

Posted by skiutah on Sunday, February 8, 2009

LDS leaders share thoughtful insights on Christians and Christianity…

Christians are Imbeciles: “What does the Christian world know about God? Nothing.. They are imbecile and ignorant and in the dark, and the greatest difficulty in the matter is-they are fools and don’t know it.” John Taylor, JD 13:225

Christians Greatest Whoremasters on Earth: “Christians-those poor, miserable priests … are the biggest whoremasters there are on the earth.” Heber C. Kimball JD 5:89

Mormon Christ not Traditional: “They say we do not believe in the traditional Christ of Christianity. There is some substance to what they say.” Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, May 2002

Ignorant Animals: “What! are Christians ignorant? Yes, as ignorant of the things of God as the brute beast.” John Taylor, JD 6:25

Islam Better Than Christianity: “I should rather incline, of the two, after all my early traditions, education, and prejudices, to the side of Mahomet, for on this point he is on the side of truth, and the Christian world on the side of idolatry and heathenism.”
Parley P. Pratt, JD, 3:38

Only One True Church on Earth: “This is not just one of a family of Christian churches. This is the Church and kingdom of God, the only true Church upon the face of the earth, according to the Lord’s own words (see D&C 1:30).” Ezra Taft Benson, The Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson, p. 164

Christianity Pack of Nonsense: “We talk about Christianity, but it is a perfect pack of nonsense.” John Taylor, JD, 6:167

Ignorant Christians: “With a regard to true theology, a more ignorant people never lived than the present so-called Christian world.” Brigham Young, JD, 8:199

Christian Ordinances Worthless: “… the order of marriage, baptism, or anything else… If I have been baptized by the Presbyterians, Church of England, Roman Catholics, Greek church, Wesleyans, or by any other religious denomination which denies any later revelation than the Bible, my baptism is good for nothing.” Orson Pratt, JD 16:25

Join True Church or Belong to a Whore: “whoso belongeth not to the church of the Lamb of God belongeth to that great church, which is the mother of abominations; and she is the whore of all the earth.” Nephi, Book of Mormon, 1 Nephi 14:10-11

Satan Inspires Christians: “What is it that inspires professors of Christianity generally with a hope of salvation? It is that smooth, sophisticated influence of the devil.” Joseph Smith, History of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, vol. 5, p. 218

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Publications referenced in this article: Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, Journal of Discourses, History of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Ensign Magazine, The Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson

Note for Bishoprics: Depending on each member’s point of view, the previous references are either Anti-Christian or Anti-Mormon. Encourage your members to pray and ask the Lord if these prophets were speaking for God or if these were random thoughts of insane men who had no advisors with balls enough to tell them that they were crazy.

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Missionary Wet Dream

Posted by skiutah on Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Here’s one Mormon missionary who can honestly claim it was the best two years of his life:

This is most likely a reenactment of a Mormon missionary wet dream. If you are currently serving on an LDS mission, for maximum effect we recommend that you watch this right before going to bed. Pray that the “next doorbell you ring” will harden you and will find a golden emission. (Note: this has little or no impact on global warming)

Boyd K. Packer explains the doorbell doctrine in The Lord’s Law of Nocturnal Emissions: “As you move closer to manhood, this little factory will sometimes produce an oversupply of this substance. The Lord has provided a way for that to be released. It will happen without any help or without any resistance from you. Perhaps, one night you will have a dream. In the course of it the release valve that controls the factory will open and release all that is excess.” General Conference, Oct., 1976

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