Book of Mormonisms

Did they really say THAT?

Archive for January, 2009

Lost in Space Mormon Doctrine

Posted by skiutah on Saturday, January 31, 2009

This week’s Sunday School talk is on LDS space travel.

Brigham Young explains that Neil Armstrong was NOT the first man on the moon: “Who can tell us of the inhabitants of this little planet that shines of an evening, called the moon… So it is with regard to the inhabitants of the sun. Do you think it is inhabited? I rather think it is. Do you think there is any life there? No question of it.” JD 13:271

God teaches us spatial words in the Book of Abraham:
Shinehah = sun
Kokob = star
Olea = moon
Kokaubeam = stars
Kolob = greatest of Kokaubeam
gnolaum = eternal
Jah-oh-eh = Egyptians term for one day on Kolob = 1000 days on earth
Oliblish = Egyptian term for Kolob
Enish-go-on-dosh = Egyptian term for Sun
Kae-e-vanrash = medium through which the Sun borrows its light from Kolob
Floeese = anal revolutions
Kli-flos-is-es = power source
Hah-ko-kau-beam = power source

Star Trek general conference attendees: Use lines like this to impress fellow temple trekkers: Hello gnolaum friend, tonight let’s light up some Hah-ko-kau-beam, and try not to catch a Kolob sized Kae-e-vanrash.

Mormon man in moon legends (click here).

Jesus wants you for a sunbeam: Become a Kokaubeam for Jesus. At home, at school, for play, in bed. Children’s Songbook of the LDS church

Seminary Instructors: For students wanting extra space credit, have them listen to Mitt Romney’s rendition of the Mormon hymn If You Could Hie To Kolob (see link below):

For reference, here’s a Mormon space map of the known LDS universe:

Mormon Space Map

Mormon Space Map

This is the place!

Graphic source: http://www.mormongags.com/content/i-hope-they-call-me-mission

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Mormon Dead Doctrine

Posted by skiutah on Monday, January 26, 2009

Necro-Baptisms Prevent Global Warming: “It is sufficient to know, in this case, that the earth will be smitten with a curse unless there is a welding link of some kind or other between the fathers and the children, upon some subject or other–and behold what is that subject? It is the baptism for the dead.” God, D&C 128:18

Mormon Under Deadline: “The greatest responsibility in this world that God has laid upon us is to seek after our dead.” Joseph Smith, History of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, vol. 6, p. 313

Necro-Polyandry Allowed: “A deceased woman may be sealed to all men to whom she was legally married during her life.” LDS Church Handbook of Instructions

Bring Out Your Dead: “The Lord has an established law in relation to the matter: there must be a particular spot for the salvation of our dead. I verily believe there will be a place, and hence men who want to save their dead can come and bring their families, do their work by being baptized and attending to the other ordinances for their dead…” Joseph Smith, History of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, vol. 6, p. 319

Necro-Husband Swapping: “Therefore any ceremony uniting a married woman, for example, to Joseph Smith for eternity seemed adulterous to such people. Yet in any day, in our day, there may be women who prefer to spend eternity with another than their husband on earth.” John A. Widtsoe, Evidences and Reconciliations, p. 343

Necro-Matchmaking Dead End: “We never make matches for the dead in the temples.” Joseph Fielding Smith, Doctrines of Salvation, vol. 2, p. 177

Dead Polygamy: “If a husband and wife have been sealed and the wife dies, the man may have another woman sealed to him if she is not already sealed.” LDS Church Handbook of Instructions

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LDS Prophets Disagree With Proposition 8

Posted by skiutah on Friday, January 23, 2009

In the past, Mormons have felt persecuted when laws were passed that prohibited them from practicing polygamy (as God commanded them to):

The Lord’s Law of Ten Virgins Per Man: “And if he have ten virgins given unto him by this law, he cannot commit adultery, for they belong to him, and they are given unto him; therefore is he justified.” God, D&C 132:61-62

(btw, notice that the Lord doesn’t specify “female” virgins, interestingly the Lord just says “ten virgins” without regard to gender, so technically an LDS man can have something like three male wives and seven female wives, the total just has to add up to ten to be in compliance with The Lord’s Law of Ten Virgins Per Man.)

It’s okay to break laws: “I was asked, “Do you believe in obeying the laws of the United States?” “Yes I do, in all except one”-in fact I had not broken that. “What law is that?” “The law in relation to polygamy.”” John Taylor, JD 20:318

Monogamy laws cause prostitution: “The founders of that ancient empire were robbers and women stealers, and made laws favoring monogamy in consequence of the scarcity of women among them, and hence this monogamic system which now prevails throughout all Christendom, and which has been so fruitful a source of prostitution and whoredom throughout all the Christian monogamic cities.” Brigham Young, JD 11:128

Anti-polygamy laws bad: “They say, virtually, “We will pass a law so strict, that if these females undertake to marry a man who has another wife, both they and the men they marry shall be subject to a term of imprisonment in the penitentiary.” Indeed!” Orson Pratt, JD 13:183

Lord legalizes polygamy: “Does not this clearly prove that the Lord did not condemn polygamy, but that he considered it legal?” Orson Pratt, JD 6:352

Lord fights monogamy laws: “There are hundreds and thousands of [unmarried] females in this boasted land of liberty, through the narrow, contracted, bigoted State laws, preventing them from ever getting husbands. That is what the Lord is fighting against; we, also, are fighting against it, and for the re-establishment of the Bible religion and the celestial or patriarchal order of marriage.” Orson Pratt, JD 13:183

Monogamy laws cause STDs: “This law of monogamy, or the monogamic system laid the foundation for prostitution and the evils and diseases of the most revolting nature and character under which modern Christendom groans…” Orson Pratt, JD 13:195

Have sex with many women for the kids’ sake: “Talk about polygamy!… is far superior to monogamy for the raising of healthy, robust children!” Brigham Young, JD 13:317

Heavenly polygamy: “If a husband and wife have been sealed and the wife dies, the man may have another woman sealed to him is she is not already sealed.” LDS Church Handbook of Instructions

Future of LDS polygamy: “…plural marriage was openly taught and practiced until the year 1890… Obviously the holy practice will commence again after the Second Coming of the Son of Man and the ushering in of the millennium.” Bruce R. McConkie, Mormon Doctrine, p. 578

Conclusions: It’s ironic that the LDS church — with its long history of dislike of the government imposing laws against the Mormon definition of marriage — is now for laws (California, Proposition 8 ) which enforces a definition of matrimony on other groups.

Note to LDS missionaries: If teaching this material to new converts, have a camera ready to snap a picture of the spirit inspired awestruck looks on a fresh convert’s face when first hearing these doctrines. Consult with your local Bishop on the appropriate timeframes for introducing these concepts, which varies by culture and country.

For example, if you are an LDS missionary in Pakistan (where polygamy is legal) you may get a more inspired reaction: “bahut patni bahut achchi hain! hain ji!”

(But perhaps not introduce The Lord’s Law of Ten Virgins Per Man in respect to gender, your call, do what the spirit tells you to do, obviously, it’s not a bad fate to be a martyr. If you state “I can be married to ten male virgins in Pakistan”… well, think about it, very briefly…)

Footnote: My spouse just informed me that if the Mormon church is true, then they shouldn’t be sensitive to any type of criticism, rather they should be saying “bring it on, complete open transparency, mission accomplished, we’re God’s singular true church, all other churches are wrong, completely self-evident from their prophets’ teachings, right?”

Note: See Coventryrm’s note on the relationship between LDS and FLDS polygamy here:
Joseph Smith Created FLDS Polygamy Mess

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Satan Ain’t Heavy, He’s Christ’s Brother

Posted by skiutah on Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The road is long with many a winding turn: “Who is Satan? Satan was the spiritual offspring of Deity. He was a spiritual brother to the Chosen, the one whom we have come to know as the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ.” Harold B. Lee, The Teachings of Harold B. Lee, p. 36

That leads us to who knows where: “He was called Lucifer, son of the morning… this spirit-brother of Jesus desperately tried to become the Savior of mankind”. Milton R. Hunter, The Gospel through the Ages, p. 15

But I’m strong, strong enough to carry him: “Jesus Christ, He was chosen to carry out that plan, which His Father approved, and Satan rebelled because the trust was given unto his more meek brother Jesus.” William H. Smart, Conference Report, April 1901

Lucifer ain’t heavy, Elohim, he’s Jehovah’s brother: “In the wilderness of Judaea, on the temple’s pinnacles and on the high mountain, a momentous contest took place between two brothers, Jehovah and Lucifer, sons of Elohim.” Spencer W. Kimball, Conference Report, April 1964

Recommendations: Fast and pray that Satan will surrender himself to LDS general authorities in Salt Lake City. After a hundred thousand years of tempting humans, it’s time for Lucifer to stop luring people into drinking coffee, polygamy, wearing bikinis, same-sex marriage, piercing ears, polyandry, playing with face cards, oral sex, tattoos, wearing crosses, facial hair, birth control, and other heinous sins. Lucifer needs to know that Jesus is there to carry him and it’s time for Satan to back off of his devil business.

Note to LDS Seminary Instructors: If using this material for a seminary class we recommend that you play the “He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother” song as background music when you give this lesson (see link below).

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Does God Practice Safe Sex?

Posted by skiutah on Saturday, January 17, 2009

Did Mary Have Two Husbands? ”The man Joseph, the husband of Mary, did not, that we know of, have more than one wife, but Mary the wife of Joseph had another husband. On this account infidels have called the Savior a bastard… That very babe that was cradled in the manger, was begotten, not by Joseph, the husband of Mary, but by another Being. Do you inquire by whom? He was begotten by God our heavenly Father.” Brigham Young JD 11:68

God Consumates Marriage with Mary:Therefore, the father and mother of Jesus according to the flesh must have been associated together in the capacity of husband and wife; hence the Virgin Mary must have been for the time being, the lawful wife of God the Father.” B. H. Roberts, Defense of the Faith and the Saints, vol. 2, p. 270

God and Mary

Mormon God forgets to ask What would Jesus Do? just prior to conceiving Jesus.


Does Heavenly Mom Know about Mary? “Logic and reason would certainly suggest that if we have a Father in Heaven, we have a Mother in Heaven.” Gordon B. Hinckley, Teachings of GBH, p. 257

No Epidural for Mary: “The birth of the Saviour was as natural as are the births of our children; it was the result of natural action. He partook of flesh and blood-was begotten of his Father, as we were of our fathers.” Brigham Young JD 8:115

Garden of Eden Character Conceives Jesus (in the flesh): “Jesus, our elder brother, was begotten in the flesh by the same character that was in the garden of Eden, and who is our Father in Heaven.” Brigham Young, JD 1:51

Naturally Conceived Jesus: “There is nothing figurative about his paternity; he was begotten, conceived and born in the normal and natural course of events, for he is the Son of God…” Bruce R. McConkie, Mormon Doctrine, 2d ed., p. 742

Conclusions: According to LDS theologians, God was married to Mary, the couple had unprotected sex at least once, which resulted in a pregnancy, and nine months later had a child whom they named Jesus. It’s not clear if Heavenly Mom was aware of this (Joseph certainly was, God bless him).

Note: If you plan on using this material for an LDS Sacrament Meeting talk, please have your Bishop review it first for accuracy. If using this for missionary preparatory material at the MTC, R-rated power point slides are available upon request. You must get stake president (or higher) sign off if you want to see the X-rated power point slides.

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LDS and FLDS Polygamy Angelic Origins

Posted by skiutah on Friday, January 9, 2009

Twelve young girls (ages 12 to 15) were found to be married to older FLDS men: Young FLDS Brides

Here’s a linke to the history of Mormon Polygamy: Mormon Polygamy Timeline

Here’s a diagram that details the various polygamous sects that splintered off from Joseph Smith and the LDS church: Polygamy Leadership Tree

The diagram displays the lineage of polygamy from Warren Jeffs back to the founder of polygamy, Joseph Smith.

Joseph Smith and Warren Jeffs share many traits:
– Both married to multiple teenage girls.
– Both used the line “God commanded them to practice polygamy” to get teenage girls into bed with them.
– Both showed classic symptoms of grandiose delusional disorder.
– Both did time in jail for breaking the law.

If young Fanny Alger hadn’t tempted Joseph Smith we wouldn’t have this sticky wicket.

Or if that pesky angel with a sword hadn’t demanded that Joseph Smith jump-start polygamy: “Some people have supposed that the doctrine of plural marriage was a sort of superfluity, or non-essential, to the salvation or exaltation of mankind…But he did not falter, although it was not until an angel of God, with a drawn sword, stood before him; and commanded that he should enter into the practice of that principle, or he should be utterly destroyed…” Joseph F. Smith, JD 20:29

Imagine going to your spouse with that story… “uhh, honey, an angel with a sword stopped by today and said the darndest thing…”

Does the LDS church not teach its history to members? I have talked with Mormons who are unaware of:
– Joseph Smith’s revelation on polygamy is recorded in D&C 132, and is still part of LDS canon
– Joseph Smith practiced polygamy and polyandry (verifiable on an LDS website, familysearch.org)
– Mormon men today can still be sealed and married to more than one woman (if the current spouse dies), and in heaven the Mormon man will have a polygamous relationship with these multiple women he was sealed to in a Mormon temple

Many LDS members state that the FLDS church has no relation to the LDS church. How is that possible?
– Both LDS and FLDS believe that Joseph Smith, Brigaham Young, and John Taylor were prophets who communicated directly with God.
– Both LDS and FLDS believe in the Book of Mormon and other LDS canon.
– Both LDS and FLDS believe that Joseph Smith introduced polygamy as a new and everlasting covenant (D&C 132).
– Both LDS and FLDS believe that the other churches have apostasized and that only they contain the complete truth.

http://www.mormongags.com/content/celestial-marriage

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Condemn (not Condone) Condoms

Posted by skiutah on Monday, January 5, 2009

Every sperm is sacred: “That is what plurality of wives is for… Sisters, do you wish to make yourselves happy? Then what is your duty? It is for you to bear children…” Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses, vol. 9, p. 37

Every sperm is great: “…it is a crying evil, that there should exist a sentiment or a feeling among any members of the Church to curtail the birth of their children. I think that is a crime wherever it occurs.” Joseph Fielding Smith, Doctrines of Salvation, vol. 2, p. 88

If a sperm is wasted: “And consider those of us who live in America-where is the justification for widespread birth control here? Is this country in danger of starvation? Are we over-populated? Or do we have a more selfish reason for using half the world’s contraceptives?” Mark E. Peterson, The Way to Peace, p. 267

God gets quite irate: “When a man and a woman are married and they agree, or covenant, to limit their offspring to two or three, and practice devices to accomplish this purpose, they are guilty of iniquity which eventually must be punished.” Joseph Fielding Smith, Doctrines of Salvation, vol. 2, p. 87

Every sperm is wanted: “Thus we see that in marriage, a husband and wife enter into an order of the priesthood called the new and everlasting covenant of marriage… It is contradictory to this covenant to prevent the birth of children… and some did not want any children. We in the Church must not be caught up in the false doctrines of the world.” J Ballard Washburn, Ensign, May 1995

Every sperm is good: “…contraceptives are used to prevent conception. Relatives and friends and even mothers sometimes encourage birth control for their young newlyweds… The Church cannot approve nor condone the measures which so greatly limit the family.” Spencer W. Kimball, The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, p. 328

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Should Your Parents Have Aborted You?

Posted by skiutah on Thursday, January 1, 2009

Do Both of Your Parents Smoke? “For both man and wife to be addicts to smoke inhalation is destructive of everything that is good. Children born to such a pair had better never have been born.” Heber J. Grant, Conference Report, Oct. 1934
RU 486
Have You Lost Your Membership? “…the killing of a million in a great world war would be nothing compared to your losing your membership, your priesthood, your blessings. They might never be restored to you. Men who die may live again, but when the spiritual death is total, it were better that a man were never born.” Spencer W. Kimball, The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, p. 502

Are You Suicidal? “Suicide may solve his problem so far as this life is concerned, but what about eternity? If we so much dread the pitiful, lingering, unhappy death of the body, what would it be like to endure eternal death in one’s own soul? Of those who sin unto death the Lord has said, . . . it had been better for them never to have been born;” Sterling W. Sill, Conference Report, April 1965

Have You Ever Rebelled? “Those who fight the truth and come out in open rebellion against God, however, would have remained better off had they never been born.” Bruce R. McConkie, Mormon Doctrine, p .85

Are You Male and Have a Parent Named “Perdition”? “They are they who are the sons of perdition, of whom I say that it had been better for them never to have been born;” God, D&C 76:32

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