Revelations from God

Those to whom his word was revealed were always alone in some remote place, like Moses. There wasn’t anyone else around when Mohammed got the word, either. Mormon Joseph Smith and Christian Scientist, Mary Baker Eddy, had exclusive audiences with God.  We have to trust them as reporters – you know how reporters are. They’ll do anything for a story.  — Andy Rooney, Sincerely, Andy Rooney

The Word of Wisdom

An old member of the LDS church once told me that he could remember when it was okay for Mormons to drink coffee. He was born in the early 1900s, and said drinking coffee and tea weren’t sins back in those days.

Brigham Young taught “If a person is weary, worn out, cast down, fainting, or dying, a brandy sling, a little wine, or a cup of tea is good to revive them. Do not throw these things away, and say they must never be used; they are good to be used with judgment, prudence, and discretion. Ask our Bishops if they drink tea every day, and in most cases they will tell you they do if they can get it.” JD 12:403

For those who need a refresher, here’s a reenactment of D&C 89:

Brigham Young also advised tobacco chewers “Many of the brethren chew tobacco, and I have advised them to be modest about it. Do not take out a whole plug of tobacco in meeting before the eyes of the congregation, and cut off a long slice and put it in your mouth…” JD 8:362

Saving Yourself from Religion

Here’s an article where psychologists demonstrate that humans have an innate ability to believe in false ideas regardless of factual evidence that demonstrates a concept is false: Illusion of validity

Have you ever wondered why some people accept as truth things that seem unbelievable? Some strange beliefs jump to mind:

- Friday the 13th is unlucky
- American Indians are Book of Mormon Lamanites
- Tooth fairy
- Jesus was Quetzalcoatl
- Racism was okay before 1978
- Satan owns the waterways
- Alice Cooper and Snoop Dog are Mormons
- Book of Abraham
- Santa Claus
- Polyandry and polygamy

Real Book of Mormon Posters

Get your real hero Book of Mormon posers here:
http://realheroposters.com/magento/index.php

Check out Captain Moroni and his horse. Shouldn’t that be a tapir by his side?

Who is your Book of Mormon hero? Kaenu Reeves the Lamanite?

Note: Realherosposers.com only allows glowing-Mormon reviews of its material.

First Lamanite Picked for Supreme Court

If confirmed, Sonia Sotomayor will be the first Lamanite on the Supreme Court (see bio here): Sonia Sotomayor

There has been no official word from LDS leaders if they will instruct the Utah senators to swiftly confirm the first Lamanite on bench. LDS general authorities may petition that Ms. Sotomayer be sworn in with her hand on a Book of Mormon.

As a Lamanite, Sonia qualifies to have her skin turn white and delightsome sometime in the future. No word from Ms. Sotomayer yet if she’ll allow DNA evidence to be used to overturn the Book of Mormon.

SLC sources report that the brethren are busily rewording several prophecies regarding the constitution. One new revision reads “Joseph Smith predicted that the time would come when the constitution would hang by a thread, and at that time this lady Lamanite will step forth and save it from the threatened destruction.”

How to Succeed on a Mormon Mission

You will be instructed to use the “spirit” to guide you on your LDS mission to find converts. Understand what the “spirit” really is. The “spirit” is a pleasant psychological response in the human brain to an outside event. This is also commonly referred to as the “Holy Ghost” or “burning in the bosom”. Missionaries with charisma or talent can more easily evoke the “spirit” response in other human beings.

Understand that evoking the “spirit” response in a prospective convert has nothing to do with how righteous you are. Charming missionaries convert more people regardless of their morality. This explains why missionaries who frequently masturbate, fornicate, or break the word of wisdom are still able to baptize many people on their missions.

If you don’t have a magnetic personality, you can still succeed on your mission, but it requires one of the following:

* Be assigned to a companion who has charisma. You can ride his/her coattails and claim victory as if it were your virtue, adherence to the rules, and work ethic that resulted in the Lord guiding you to people enamored by your companion’s appealing character.
* Be sent to a mission that has a high number of low income desperate people who need the church’s help. You can have the charm of a gnat, break all the rules, and you still will baptize many.

If you are called to a mission that doesn’t fit into the above criteria, prepare yourself for two years of frustration and failure. However, knowing the truth will help you cope with the following:

* Why isn’t the Holy Ghost guiding us to people waiting to be baptized?
* Why is the Elder with the gay personality doing so good?
* We’re following the rules, why aren’t we succeeding?
* Why is the Elder who throws darts at a map to locate converts so successful?

Note to MTC instructors: We suggest that you do not provide this information to a newbie missionary. Rather provide them with a time capsule note that they should open when they are three months into their mission and the reality has started to sink in.

‘Missing link’

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30826552/?GT1=43001

35,000 Year Old Cave Porn Discovered

A 35,000 year old cave porn doll was discovered in Germany (click here for the article): 35,000 year old sex aid

From the cave writings on the walls scientists were able to unravel some details:
* The Cave Bishop revoked the temple recommend of the caveman caught with the doll.
* The Cave Stake President told the ward cave that a well endowed member’s fall into pornography never occurs during regular worship at the cave temple.
* The Cave General Authorities decreed that the doll produced fantasies that destroyed the cave dweller spirit.
* The Cave Prophet warned of the corrupting influence of cave porn that was sweeping cave society like an avalanche of evil and would soon lead to the downfall of the human race.

Note: LDS general authorities are attempting to gather the names of the ancient cave dwellers so that their after-death baptisms may be performed (better late than never). They’ve been in the spirit world for 35,000 years and have plenty of time to repent for their use of cave porn.

Obama’s Dead Mother Baptized into Mormon Church

Obama’s Mama now a Mormon! Reports from Salt Lake indicate that the LDS church has exhumed Barack Obama’s mother’s spirit and necro baptized her: http://www.sltrib.com/faith/ci_12301237

LDS leaders share insights on these dead doctrines: LDS Necro Baptisms Save Earth

Mormon Christian Mainstream Checklist:
- 4th largest Christian church in U.S.
- Polygamy now bad
- Gay marriage bad

Not So Fast Checklist:
- Offensive ordinances performed on dead people
- Interesting temple ceremonies shown on HBO

When Was the Mormon Priesthood Restored?

This article states that the genetic diversity in Africa supports the theory that humanity evolved and originated in Africa (click here): Out of Africa

Inspired LDS prophets teach us otherwise:
1. Humanity originated in Missouri 6,000 years ago, not evolving in Africa over millions of years.
2. Noah floated from America to the Middle East to continue humanity there (not Africa). Therefore Middle Eastern people (and American Indian Lamanites) should have more genetic diversity than Africans.

Problem: If all people descended from Africans, this means that the priesthood could never have been restored in the 1830s, because God didn’t allow Africans or their descendants to hold the priesthood prior to 1978.

Insider’s tip: It’s possible that God only granted Joseph Smith a learner’s permit on the priesthood in the 1830s, and that the full priesthood wasn’t restored until 1978, when male humanity finally became eligible for the real priesthood.